Someday
by Rose Thorne
Summary: An ultimatum, and an impossible choice. The consequences. HieiKurama, HieiMukuro, hinted YuusukeHiei. 07.09.2006.


Someday

By Rose Thorne

Disclaimer: Yu Yu Hakusho is the property of Studio Perriot, TV Tokyo, Yoshihiro Togashi, et al.  
**I refuse to acknowlege FUNimation.**

* * *

He had made things very clear through his actions, in Hiei's opinion. Things were over between them. Kurama preferred the Ningenkai, and had rejected the Makai. Hiei wondered what the youko would do when his human body died. Would he accept it, or would he do as he had before: escape death. Would he return as the youko? The fire demon quickly decided that he didn't care. It changed nothing.

Hiei scowled in the direction of the portal. It wasn't like he hadn't expected it. He had known that Kurama was going to decide to remain in the Ningenkai. It had been all too obvious. The fox had his mother and family in the Ningenkai. It had hurt that he wasn't going to leave, to come to the Makai, but Hiei had known that he wouldn't, and the knowledge took some of the sting away. But the rest . . .

He felt dense, because he hadn't seen it coming. He had expected the fox to decide to stay in the Ningenkai, but he hadn't considered that Kurama would also cut him out. He had thought that Kurama's choice would just mean that their relationship would be long distance. Instead, Kurama had essentially delivered an ultimatum.

"Perhaps it would be better if you _stayed_ in the Makai, Hiei," Kurama had said. He hadn't really even broken it off. His message had been that Hiei had to choose between their relationship in the Ningenkai and his place at Mukuro's side in the Makai.

The memory was painful. He had been too shocked to protest, choosing to leave instead. When he had tried to return the next night to ask Kurama what exactly he had meant, he had found the window locked, as it had never been before. It had been a clear message that Kurama had, in fact, meant that it was over unless Hiei did something drastic to negate that. He couldn't help but feel that he had deserved it.

He had been prepared to live completely between the worlds, taking every opportunity to visit. That had changed. He would visit, but his visits would now be infrequent and short, with most of his time devoted to serving Mukuro as best he could. And even on his visits, Kurama would no longer be a priority. Yukina would be the one he visited. He owed it to her for being too much of a coward to tell her who he was. He owed nothing to Kurama; not anymore.

Hiei battled his way to Mukuro's fortress, dealing with the idiots who wished to challenge him harshly and quickly. He would continue to serve Mukuro and only her. There was nothing left for him except that, and he had essentially promised her that he would not strive for death again. Instead he would be her heir, and live only for that purpose.

Hiei entered Mukuro's chambers to find her waiting with tea. He scowled as he realized that she had been expecting him. He sat in the seat across from her and accepted the cup that she poured for him, noting with approval that it had been liberally spiked and pointedly ignoring the implication of that.

"He broke it off," Hiei said after his second cup. His voice was casual, as if he were conversing about the weather.

"I know," Mukuro replied, her voice somber. "He rejected the Makai, Hiei. You are a part of the Makai." There was an uncomfortable silence before Mukuro spoke again. "I'm sorry, Hiei."

Hiei downed another cup of 'tea' before responding. "Actually, he implied a choice . . ." He looked up, then back down at the empty teacup in his hands. "Stay in the Ningenkai with him, or leave permanently." He set his teacup down and walked to the window, refusing to look at Mukuro, not wanting to see the look on her face. "I suppose I deserved it." He looked out at the landscape, at his decision.

The fire demon didn't realize that Mukuro had moved until her hand was on his shoulder. He risked a glance at her and found her gazing out the window with an inscrutable look on the uncovered half of her face. He looked back out the window, not bothering to shrug her hand off.

"Hiei, there is no excuse for what he did." Her thumb moved, massaging his shoulder lightly in a comforting fashion. "I'm angry partially because he issued you that choice, and it could have meant that I would lose you. But I'm mostly mad because you deserve better than that." Hiei didn't respond. "You were willing to take the hard road. Instead, he gave you the short end of the stick." She turned him around and looked at him closely. "That wasn't fair to you. You don't deserve to be abandoned like that."

Hiei's eyes widened at her words. The word 'abandoned' echoed in his mind, calling up unwelcome memories. He stood there for a while, his face expressionless, his eyes faraway and pained. Then he shook himself out of his stupor and shoved past her, breaking her grip on his shoulders. He was out of the room before she could call his name.

She sighed and leaned against the wall near the window. He was grieving, at least, which meant that he could get over it. She hadn't wanted to say it, but it had been necessary to gauge his state of mind. He had reacted, but his expressionlessness worried her. She wanted to follow him, but she knew he needed time alone to think. If he hadn't returned in a few days, she would go find him. She would just have to deal and ignore her worry until then.

Hiei found himself sitting on a tree branch, looking at the sunset without seeing it. He fingered the gem hanging from the leather thong on his neck, his mind lost in turmoil that belied the tranquil surroundings.

Mukuro had been right, though he didn't want to admit it. He had hated her for saying it at first, but he realized now that she had only been speaking the truth, as much as it had hurt. It had taken him a day and a half to understand. Kurama _had_ abandoned him. He'd done worse than that, really. He had tricked Hiei into opening his heart, and then he had shattered the illusion that he finally had somewhere to call home. All that was left of what the Jaganshi had thought they'd had was broken promises.

It was the Koorime all over again.

The thought made him clutch the tear gem in his fist as he fought the emotions that came with it. It cut deeply into his soul. He had _thought_ Kurama loved him. Hiei stood, finally seeing the sunset as the sky turned a familiar shade of red. He wondered if he would always be reminded of the fox by mundane things. He answered his own question as he noticed that the leaves of the tree he was in were the same color as Kurama's eyes.

He ran from his feelings.

* * *

Hiei returned three days later, bloodied from battle and exhausted from using the kokoryuha. He had been at the border, routing out trouble, Mukuro knew. Her scouts had reported his whereabouts, along with the not-so-mysterious disappearance of a gang of ne'er-do-wells that had been terrorizing border villages. She had been meaning to deal with them, and was glad that her heir had taken the initiative.

Hiei slept for nearly twenty-four hours after he returned, and afterward maintained a silent, impassive façade that cracked at nothing less than complete exhaustion, when vulnerability took over his features as he slept. Mukuro didn't worry at first, and in fact relished their training battles, in which they fought until Hiei had exhausted his youki. But after several months of this with no change, she was starting to feel irritated.

Hiei had withdrawn from the world, throwing himself into training and his duties. He was barely alive, with no fire in his eyes, as he had been when he had come seeking death in the battle against Shigure, before he had believed he found a home. He spent the entire day moving, fighting, anything to exhaust himself and keep himself from thinking. When he was idle, the fire demon stared blankly into space, removing himself from the world, to a place where he didn't have to think and simply existed.

Mukuro was, frankly, sick of it. Nothing she had tried worked. She'd been hard on him, completely dominating him in battle and giving him no room to move. She had once left him on the training field, unconscious, in pouring rain, and he had woken six hours later completely soaked and filthy. Even giving him mundane duties did nothing. He never complained or even looked at her reproachfully. It was like he wasn't even there.

Finally, she tried one last tactic. During training she didn't lift a finger against him. She barely defended herself, deflecting his attacks just enough to leave her without injury. She let him wear himself down, expending all of his youki while she did nothing. When he collapsed to his knees, panting and sweating, he still didn't look at her.

"How much longer are you going to go on like this, Hiei?"

The fire demon finally looked up, exhausted and confused. "Like what?"

"Like you've already died."

Hiei flinched. "Does it matter?"

Mukuro stepped forward and knelt beside him. "Yes. It does."

"Why?"

She frowned at him. "Because you're _not_ dead, and cutting yourself off from the world isn't going to make it stop hurting."

"Maybe I should be dead."

Mukuro hit him across the face, none too softly, watching as his head snapped back at the force. He stared at her, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth. "You're alive, Hiei. I'd prefer that you stay alive."

She pulled him to his feet, but he pushed away, sprawling on the ground, unable to stand up again. "What does it _matter_, Mukuro? What's the point?"

"Why doesn't it matter?" she countered.

He stared at her silently for a moment. "Because I'm tired of it mattering. I'm tired of the disappointment. I'm fucking tired of being unwelcome."

They stared at each other for several minutes, Hiei's breathing short and exhausted, Mukuro's quick and angry. Finally, she responded. "You're welcome _here_, Hiei."

"For how long?" the sanjiyan demanded. "How long until you get tired of me? How long until you're finished with me?"

Mukuro bit off the angry response that was on the tip of her tongue and resisted the urge to hit him. It hit her suddenly: _that_ was the reason for his behavior the past several months; he assumed that she would abandon him as well. He was distancing himself. She regarded him silently and chose her words carefully. "As long as you need a place to rest and call home, you're welcome here."

He looked at her suddenly, and she could see the tumult of emotions in his eyes: relief, confusion, pain, exhaustion, sorrow, grief, love. Then he averted his eyes, breaking contact. "Thank you," he whispered.

When she pulled him to his feet this time, he slumped against her, unconscious, and she tenderly picked him up and carried him to the fortress. She brought him to her quarters and set him on the bed, leaving him there to sleep as long as he wanted.

* * *

The Makai had been, for the most part, a peaceful place since Yuusuke had returned ten years prior, when Keiko had been killed by a vengeful demon. She had been nearly fifty, but Yuusuke had barely aged a day. He had approached Hiei, but the fire demon had refused his advances, happy by Mukuro's side and in her bed. Instead, they had trained Yuusuke, and he had, three years later, gone on to win the Makai tournament. He had been in power of Raizen's old kingdom since, winning a second tournament. He would, unless a suitable challenger appeared, win a third time in another two years.

Despite the peace, the three kingdoms continued their border patrols, which was what Hiei was doing today, separated by a bird call from the rest of the squad. He didn't expect the vines that attempted to trap him, but easily destroyed them nonetheless. Having seen the vines, he wasn't surprised by the voice that called out from the foliage.

"You've grown." The voice was playful, amused, and filled with lust.

"What do you want, Kurama?"

The youko stepped from the ferns. He approached Hiei, his gait slow and provocative. He finally stopped less than a foot from Hiei. "You."

Hiei snorted. "You had me, and you told me to leave."

"That was fifty years ago." The fox moved to hold him, kiss him, and Hiei sidestepped him.

Kurama smelled of musky roses and something more indistinguishable, a strange mixture of human and animal. It was fitting, given that the creature before him was no true youko. But where the scent had once evoked lust, Hiei felt nothing. "Did you really expect me to wait, Kurama?"

The youko seemed taken aback, and Hiei continued. "You rejected the Makai, fifty years ago. How ironic that you changed your mind. Didn't want to adhere to the short human lifespan?"

The youko lips thinned. "My mother died a month ago."

Hiei turned away. "My condolences."

"I'm free to be with you, Hiei."

"But I'm not free to be with _you_."

Kurama's eyes narrowed. "Mukuro. That bit-"

"Mukuro, Yuusuke, Bui, Shigure. It doesn't matter who." The Jaganshi cut him off, glaring. "You were free fifty years ago. We were _together_ fifty years ago, but you sent me away. Now your mother's out of the way, so I'm supposed to throw myself into your arms and let you fuck me until you get bored again?"

Kurama moved to slap him, but touched only air. "Fuck you."

"I don't think so. Those days are over, Kurama." The youko stared at him. "You can't just abandon me and expect me to wait around for five decades. You made a decision, and now you have to live with it."

They stared at each other for several moments. Finally, Kurama spoke. "I missed you, Hiei."

"And I missed you. I missed what we used to have. But we can't go back to it, Kurama. It's too late." He closed his eyes, warding off regret. _He_ had nothing to regret. "It was too late when you gave me that ultimatum."

The youko was silent again for a few seconds. "I'm sorry, Hiei."

Hiei smiled sadly. "I'm not." He left Kurama then, continuing his patrol. The past was behind him, and there it would stay.

* * *

I think the irony here is that this fic, which I started in Summer 2003, has very personal resonances for me. This is ironic because the echo of this fic in my own life didn't come until Spring 2004, when I had set this fic aside because I didn't have time to work on it. The more I think about it, the more I see the presentation of the choice with consequences echoed in my own life. It's a long story, but I decided, just as Hiei did, that someone who gave me a choice so impossible and with such a high threat associated with them wasn't worth my time.

This was also initially a songfic, to the lyrics of _Someday_. by Nickelback. Later in the fic, the lyrics stopped working. _Someday_ is a hopeful song, with a desire for reconciliation at some point in the future. But this fic . . . Well, there's no hope for reconciliation in a situation like this, is there? When someone issues an ultimatum: change or we're through, it ultimately means that the relationship will die. It eats at the foundation of the relationship, sometimes slowly and sometimes with the force of a ton of dynamite, and removes any hope of repair. Thus I removed the lyrics.

Note that this fic was initially to be my goodbye to the fandom. However, Yu Yu Hakusho's characters have a death grip on me.

This fic was heavily inspired by Morgan D's Eien no Hakusho timeline.

Thanks to Yamino Tora and Chrislea for helping me.


End file.
